


Dark Side of the Moon

by Corrie71



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Blow Jobs, Dominant Bones, Drunk Sex, Drunken Kissing, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Infidelity, Kissing, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Marriage, Mildly Dubious Consent, Rimming, cheating angst, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-02-22 00:40:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 17,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2488055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corrie71/pseuds/Corrie71
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim marries a pregnant Carol, conducts an affair with Bones, and tries to have it all...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WeWillSpockYou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillSpockYou/gifts).



[](http://postimage.org/)   
[post images](http://postimage.org/)

 

 

 

Because of the issues explored in this story, I felt like we needed this author's note (which turned out to be pretty long).

One of the many things I love about being a fanfic author is the amazing feedback and community we create as a fandom. I treasure my comments and kudos. Writing is a solitary, lonely pursuit and hearing what worked (as well as what didn’t) is fantastic. And sometimes, those comments inspire other stories.

When I wrote _Fly Me to the Moon_ , my other McKirk parenthood story, I killed off Carol Marcus (the baby’s mother) before the main action of the story starts so that Bones could be the one raising David when Jim returned from being MIA. After I got some less than positive comments about that, I started wondering how the story would be different if I didn’t kill her off from the get go. How would Jim and Bones handle that situation? From that, _Dark Side of the Moon_ was born.

In this story, Jim marries a pregnant Carol in the second chapter and spends the entire story cheating on her with Bones. So, if adultery is a trigger for you, please don’t read this one.

Also, unlike everything else I’ve written, this story does not, in fact, end happily. It ends badly for all involved, including the death of a major character (not Carol this time). So, if non-happy endings aren’t your thing, don’t read it.

And it’s angst, though it does have some funny and happy moments. In general, it’s angst cranked to warp, so, again, if it’s not your thing, look away.

Also, the first scene could be taken as dub-con. They’re both very, very drunk but otherwise willing. Just warning you all.

WeWillSpockYou beta-ed this story. When the first draft wasn’t deep enough, because as the writer, I didn’t want to face the emotions in this story, she encouraged me to try again. So I did, and this story nearly wrecked me. I owe her a great debt. Without her, I think I’d have given up several times and that's why I gifted it to her.

Not kidding—adultery, cheating angst, major character death—this story’s got it all. And seriously, this one is going to hurt.

No, still can’t convince you to turn back now? Okay then, here we go. Express train to Angstville, coming right up. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

I’m bracing for the hate mail but I do look forward to your feedback as I feel like this story is right at the edge of my abilities as a writer so please drop me a line and let me know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night before Jim's wedding...

“One more night as roomies, eh, Bones?” Jim said as Bones supported him into his tiny Starfleet studio apartment, all the housing allowance he qualified for as a single, unattached, unmarried officer. Tomorrow was Jim Kirk’s wedding day. As best man, Bones threw a bachelor party for the record books the week before in New Vegas. Tonight, they’d made it through the rehearsal dinner and, in accordance with Jim’s request, let it be just the two of them for the night before the wedding.

Jim tripped and stumbled against the wall by the door, dragging Bones with him. Jim had really enjoyed the open bar at the rehearsal while leaving logistics to Bones and his fellow groomsmen. He slid his arm around Jim’s waist and pulled him back to standing, supporting most of his weight. “You know what I never told you about rooming together?” 

“That you hacked the housing computer to room with me?” Bones helped him to the sofa and dropped him on it. 

“You knew?” Jim peeked up at him, just a bit of his cerulean eyes visible from his heavy-lidded eyes. 

“I was a graduate student. I should have had a single.” Bones wrestled off his tie and threw it onto the counter, followed by his jacket, before rummaging for clean glasses in his tiny galley kitchen. 

“Yet you didn’t kick me out?”

“Payback for ruining your shoes on the shuttle, kid.” Bones laughed, thinking of the moment they’d met on the shuttle nearly fourteen years before. He filled the glasses with just the right amount of ice and branch water before cracking open the bottle of Evan Williams that set him back half a pay packet of credits. He handed Jim his glass and sat next to him on the sofa.

He raised his glass to Jim, looking at his friend through the amber liquid, “Last night of single life.”

Jim looked over at him, his eyes glittering in the dim, half-light of Bones quarters. “Yep. Can’t believe I’m doing this.”

Bones smiled ruefully. “Never thought I’d see the day, kiddo.”

“You got your best man speech all ready?”

Bones nodded. “Spock helped me with it.”

“Fabulous. Carol’ll love that.” Jim downed his bourbon in one shot and smacked his lips. “That’s good stuff.”

“Yeah, it’s Evan Williams. Meant for sipping there, Jimmy. I taught you better than that.” Jim smiled and weaved his way into the kitchen to fetch the bottle, shucking his jacket and tossing it over Bones’ jacket on the counter. He splashed some bourbon into his empty glass and topped off Bones’ still full one before carefully placing the bottle on the table and sitting next to him again, closer this time, their sides pressed together. Jim stared into the amber depths of the whiskey, scowling at it. He swirled his glass and slugged a mouthful back. 

“Nervous about tomorrow, kiddo?” Jim raised his head and locked eyes with Bones for several long heartbeats. “You okay?”

Jim shook his head at him and whispered, “No.”

“Everyone’s nervous the night before their wedding…” Jim leaned forward and placed the glass on the coffee table with an audible click. He clawed at his tie, pulling the knot loose, and yanking the top buttons on his shirt undone. He threw the tie at the table and turned to face Bones. Bones just watched him, trying to puzzle out what he needed to do to help fix whatever was wrong with Jim. Jim locked eyes with him and dropped his eyes to Bones’ mouth before looking back up at him. 

“Now or never, Kirk.” Jim whispered.

Bones opened his mouth to ask him what he meant when Jim cupped the back of his neck and kissed him. The bourbon splashed over Bones’ feet from his dropped glass and he jerked back, staring wide-eyed at Jim. “What was that for, kid?

“Always wanted to know what you tasted like, Bones.” Jim said as he straddled Bones’ lap. Jim ran his hands into his hair and tugged Bones’ head back. Their eyes locked as Jim lowered his mouth to Bones again, licking his way inside this time. When Bones slid his hands up his back to clutch at Jim’s shoulders, Jim moaned and rocked against him, groaning when he found Bones as hard and ready as he was. Jim bit his lip, a sharp sting that he soothed with a gentle brush of his tongue.

Jim’s talented, nimble fingers undid the placket on Bones’ dress shirt, pulling it out of the waistband of his trousers, pushing it off his shoulders. “You have such great shoulders, Bones.” Jim whispered, leaning down to press kisses along his shoulders and chest, sliding his shirt down further on his arms.

Jim raised his head, the moonlight gliding his fair hair, and smiled down at Bones, before shifting against him again. Bones grabbed his hips to steady him, pulling Jim against him, cupping that perfect round bottom. “Take me to bed, Bones. Wanna feel you inside me.”

Bones shook his head to clear it, sure he’d heard wrong under the sensual spell Jim created between them. And Jim stood and smiled, pulling his own shirt over his head before taking Bones’ hand and pulling him towards the bed. He undid Bones’ belt and trousers, sliding his warm hand inside to grasp Bones’ already hard cock, stroking him. Bones’ hips stuttered against him. He grabbed Jim’s waist to steady himself, pressing them together again. Jim kissed him again, pushing him down on the bed. He reached to Bones’ beside table and pulled out a tube of lubricant. Bones arched an eyebrow at him and Jim laughed, “Roomies for years, remember?” 

“Jim…what…” 

“Shhh…Bones…my Bones.” Jim kissed him again, another of those deep, intoxicating Jim kisses. He shucked the rest of his clothing and crawled onto the bed. Bones couldn’t take his eyes off him, his own personal Adonis. Jim grabbed the tube of lubricant and readied himself before straddling Bones again. Bones’ head swam from the liquor and Jim and…Jim gripped their cocks in his warm hand, slick from the lubricant. Bones thrust up, mindless now with need, completely unable to think of all the reasons they shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t cross this line. And then, Jim shifted forward and slid down onto him, seating Bones fully inside him. Bones cracked his eyes open to see Jim, his head thrown back as he rode Bones. 

“God, I knew you’d feel good like this. We’d be so good.” Jim moaned. Bones reached for him, closing his hands over Jim’s cock and stroking in time to his thrusts. Jim looked down at him, his pupils blown wide. And Bones lost himself in the infinity of Jim’s eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Carol's wedding day...

Today was Jim Kirk’s wedding day. And Bones was not his groom, even though he woke up entwined in his best friend’s arms, naked and sticky and sore. He looked down at Bones, resting peacefully, holding him possessively against him even in sleep. Jim sat up and slowly unwound Bones’ arms from around him, feeling bereft. He’d selfishly taken what he’d always wanted most the night before. Now, in the bright light of day, he had to crawl out of this bed, before he did something incredibly stupid and missed his own wedding. 

Jim crept off the bed as quietly as he could, heading for the shower. Bones raised his head and their eyes met, the moment spooling out between them. Finally, Bones rasped out, “Jim, it’s not too late. You can call the whole thing off.”

“It’s way too late for that, Bones.” Jim ducked into the bathroom to shower. Within an hour, they’d met up with the other groomsmen and stood here, at a flower bedecked altar, in Starfleet Academy’s chapel, watching his radiant bride walk toward them, a massive bouquet covering her five-month baby bump. He glanced around at the congregation, full of Starfleet dignitaries, the holo-press, his mother, Carol’s grandparents…

They turned to Spock, who performed the ceremony. Jim repeated the words, not really listening to them, just doing the next expected thing, “I, James Tiberius, take you Carol Elizabeth, to be my lawfully wedded wife, forsaking all others…”

Spock nodded to Bones, standing behind him. Always right there to catch Jim, if he fell. Jim turned to him to take his wife’s wedding ring, watching Bones slide it off his pinky where he’d kept it for safe-keeping. Jim stood, frozen, staring at Bones’s hands, his perfect surgeon’s hands. Bones reached out and turned Jim’s hand over, dropping the ring into his palm, his fingers warm against Jim’s cold skin. Jim drew a shuddery, shaky breath and looked up into Bones’ eyes, those gorgeous kaleidoscope eyes. 

“Jim?” Spock said, low. This was so wrong, so not how it was supposed to be. Numb, Jim turned back and looked at Carol, his beautiful bride. His chest felt tight and he couldn’t draw a deep breath. Bones placed a hand on his shoulder and Jim stilled, letting the warmth and strength flow from Bones to him. With shaking fingers, he slid the ring on his wife’s hand and, as she put his ring on, Bones hand dropped from his back. 

He’d never felt so alone. 

 

* * *

 

Bones stopped believing in fairytales long ago. Maybe they existed, somewhere out there, in some distant universe, but not for him. Not for a broken-down, aviaphobic old country doctor who messed up his first marriage so badly he’d had to take refuge in sailing the stars, since his ex-wife got the whole damn planet in the divorce. 

He’d been content, happy even, at the Academy and then sailing the black with Jim and the Enterprise crew. Happy enough to sign on for a second five-year mission after their successful first run. Happy enough to follow Jim anywhere, so long as he could be right by his side.

He’d never expected to marry Jim, not really. Once he realized his feelings for Jim, he might have hoped they’d end up together, or thought about marriage to him once or twice, or even fantasized about growing old together on long, lonely nights in his tiny cabin aboard the Enterprise. But he never expected it to come true. 

Because, in all that time together, Jim Kirk, formerly the Casanova of Starfleet Academy, never once crossed the line from platonic friendship to the more that Bones longed for, wished for, dreamed of. Never once showed the slightest romantic or sexual interest in Bones, which from someone as sexual as Jim was an absolute rejection. And Bones, terrified to lose the deep friendship at the center of his life, never made a move either. 

Flashbacks from the night before played through his mind. Jim above him, around him, beneath him. Jim’s clever hands and mouth teasing and tormenting Bones into a frenzy as he did the same to him, over and over again. They’d gone on for hours, reaching an intensity that Bones, at least, had never experienced before, as Jim coaxed them to climax after blinding climax.

Instead of getting married to the love of his life today, he stood with Jim, his best man, as Spock performed the ceremony. Jim gave his bride a brief kiss and then placed a hand on her rounded belly, smiling down into her eyes as the wedding photographers blinded them with their holo-flashes.

And, even after his own divorce, watching his father die, and then seeing Jim dead in that body bag, Bones never knew it was possible to hurt that much.

* * *

As Carol chattered away beside him about the flowers and the guests and the music, Jim kept his mind on piloting the shuttle to their little mountain cabin honeymoon getaway. He’d gotten through the wedding the same way he always managed any crises. He just took the next step and then the next necessary step and didn’t think beyond that. He repeated the vows that Spock said over them, exchanged rings, kissed his bride, all of it without thinking of what came next. 

Now, he was here, in the next step, on his honeymoon. After he parked, Carol smiled at him and he smiled back, hoping he didn’t look as heartsick as he felt. 

“I’ll just go on inside…get ready and all that.” Jim swallowed and nodded, watching her walk into the tiny log house. 

He liked Carol. Possibly even loved her. She was carrying his child and he’d been more than a willing participant in the act that impregnated her. He’d be damned if he’d let his baby grow up without a father, just as he had. 

The former only genius-level repeat offender in the midwest stood poised to eventually become head of Starfleet, to finally grasp the mantel he’d wanted so long, to make his father’s ghost proud. He’d worked hard for this, ever since stepping onto the shuttle out of Riverside. He needed the picture perfect family life to get his promotion to the Admiralty. And he’d done it. He’d married Carol today. Within a few months, they’d have the baby to go with it. Carol had already picked out a house, though it didn’t have a white picket fence. _Why did he feel so hollow?_

Because of the only person that filled his thoughts. 

Bones. His Bones. 

He laid his forehead on the shuttle control panel, squeezing his eyes shut against the cascade of sensory memories from the night before. He missed Bones. He’d never been on vacation with anyone other than Bones. His CMO, his best friend, his touchstone. 

It was his wedding day and Jim was as desperately in love as he’d ever been.

Just not with his bride.


	4. Chapter 4

On the Thursday after the wedding, Bones dragged himself home to his tiny Starfleet studio apartment. Drowning himself in work didn’t seem to be helping to distract him from his misery over Jim. He flopped on the unmade bed, still fully clothed, and stared at the ceiling, willing himself to sleep, to give in to the exhaustion. Maybe his erotic dreams of Jim wouldn’t plague him tonight but he doubted it. 

He had to get over this mooning if he wanted to preserve his friendship with Jim. He’d struggled all week to come to terms with their one night of passion being a one-time, random, stars aligning kind of deal. He’d been a convenient lay for Jim Kirk’s last night of single life, his final chance to sow some wild oats. Also, Jim knew that Bones would never breathe a word to anyone about it, a not inconsiderable problem for someone with Jim’s level of fame.

The door whooshed open, startling Bones, who sat up to see Jim standing there, a brown bag emblazoned with the logo for their favorite Chinese restaurant in his arms. _Damn kid never met a lock he couldn’t hack._

“Bones! I got you a double order of those pork strips you like. Why aren’t you watching the game?” Jim, dressed casually in worn jeans and a heathered gray henley, careened into the apartment, as though they’d had a long standing appointment. He dropped the bag of delicious smelling food on the coffee table, grabbed the holo-remote, and queued the game. “We gotta get you a bigger holo-set, man. Come on, get plates and beers, let’s eat.”

Bones blinked at him and rubbed his eyes, sure that Jim was a mirage born of loneliness. But no, he seemed to be real. Jim’s casual attitude with take-out Chinese and a game offer might be his way of getting them past any lingering awkwardness in their friendship. 

“What do we need plates for? Cartons were good enough at the Academy.” He grabbed two beers and then sat next to Jim on the sofa. Within seconds, they’d fallen into their comfortable roles again, splitting up the Chinese food the way they both liked it, handing each other their preferred condiments. Bones offered Jim the sweet duck sauce he knew Jim loved on his egg rolls. As he handed off the tiny packet, their fingers brushed. Jim looked up and their eyes met before both awkwardly turned away, hastily tucking into their food. Bones told himself that only he felt the tingles of awareness that sparked between them, nearly visible in the air. 

“Tell me about your latest research, Bones.” Jim invited, in a slightly hoarse voice. Bones did and they chatted for a while, sipping beers fetched from Bones’ fridge when the Chinese food ran out.

“How was the honeymoon?” Bones finally asked and then regretted it instantly when Jim stilled. 

He shrugged and stood. Bones figured he’d leave now and already felt bereft. The tiny apartment would seem even duller and grayer without Jim’s bright warmth. Instead, Jim turned and smiled at Bones, standing silhouetted in front of the holo-vision. He toed off his sneakers and pulled his shirt over his head to reveal his muscled stomach and toned arms. Bones wanted to speak but his mouth was suddenly dry. He swallowed with an audible click. Jim unbuttoned his jeans and slipped them off his hips, revealing that he hadn’t bothered with anything so prosaic as underwear. The blue glow from the holo-set gilded Jim’s perfect body as he stroked his half-hard cock into readiness. 

“I missed you so much.” Jim whispered, his eyes locked on Bones’ face as he continued to stroke himself. It wasn’t fair that Jim looked and acted like Bones’ favorite filthy fantasy, his every wicked temptation come to life. “Come to bed, Bones.”

Ever confident, Jim walked over to the bed and laid on his stomach. He rocked up onto his knees, spreading his legs wide, until the light from the television caught the glint of slickness at the cleft of his buttocks. Jim’d readied himself for Bones before he arrived. He’d planned this entire encounter. The knowledge drove Bones to his feet, drawing him to the bed as though magnetized, palming his already hardened cock through his jeans. 

Later, Bones would lie to himself, convince himself that he’d drank far more than a mere beer and a half, to explain and excuse why his judgment was so poor. Jim clutched at the pillows, pumping his hard cock in his right hand, as his left clawed at the covers, moaning Bones’ name. But, deep down, Bones knew what did it, far more than Jim’s erotic invitation.

The glittering band of gold on his friend—his captain—his love’s left hand goaded him into it. When he caught sight of that metallic gleam in the dim light of the room, as the long forgotten game still played on in the background, Bones undid the fly of his jeans and freed himself before crawling onto the bed. He stretched over Jim’s back, as he arched into him and clasped their left hands together. He retained only enough sanity to ensure Jim was ready before slamming deep into him with a guttural groan and a single word.

“Mine.”


	5. Chapter 5

In all other respects, their lives went on, just as they always had. Jim and Bones sat together at the same boring, bureaucratic meetings, conferred about various Starfleet matters multiple times a day, and ate lunch with the bridge staff at least once a week, chatting and laughing together as they always had. 

Nothing changed, except for the fact that they fucked like bunnies, every chance they got. 

And, other than communicating about necessary logistical arrangements, never, ever spoke about it. The topic was completely taboo.

They met each other in secret all over the city, taking any opportunity they could to steal away together. Game night became an institution, though neither could tell you what sport it was or who was playing as they drove each other to madness. Jim often showed up at the medbay, allegedly to grab lunch with his CMO, though they usually only made it as far as the nearest empty treatment room or darkened stairwell, before Jim would sink to his knees in front of Bones or shove his hand down his pants. 

They had the hottest, most intense sexual relationship of Bones’ life. He was addicted to the feel of Jim’s hands and mouth on him, feeling Jim moving inside him, or slamming himself into Jim. Bones craved Jim’s touch, worse than any drug or alcohol, but just as illicit. Bones had no idea what motivated Jim to keep fooling around with him, beyond the obvious physical pleasure he took in the act. They’d been friends for over a decade and never crossed the bright line between platonic friendship and whatever this was. 

Until now.

He’d been to Sunday school. He couldn’t hide behind the excuse that he wasn’t married anymore. Jim was. He’d been standing right there next to Jim as he’d made his vows to Carol. Jim and Bones were committing adultery, plain and simple. 

Bones knew he should feel guilty. But he didn’t. 

And he didn’t stop Jim. He’d never been able to resist Jim anyway. He’d never learned how. He was the moon to Jim’s bright sun, always and perpetually in orbit, reflecting Jim’s brilliance, warmed by him, despite all the darkness in his past. 

He knew it was wrong. Bones just couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Often, at lunch, he’d race across campus to meet Jim at his tiny apartment. Jim’s office was closer so he’d usually be there first, naked and ready, spread on the bed. Bones wouldn’t even get his clothes fully off before Jim would straddle him, rocking himself down on Bones’ cock, hot and wild and willing.

“Why’d you marry her?” Bones blurted early one afternoon, as they lay together, squeezed in the narrow bed, at his tiny apartment. They’d met during their lunch hour and already made frantic love once. No doubt they’d do so again before they left. 

Jim shrugged. “She’s pregnant.”

“It’s the 23rd Century, no one gets pregnant without intending to anymore, certainly not educated Starfleet officers. Didn’t think I needed to give you the birds and the bees talk, Jimmy boy.” Carol and Jim dated for over a year before she’d come to him for a pregnancy test. He’d known before Jim that he’d be a father. “And even so, you didn’t have to marry her.”

“You think I want my baby to grow up without a father?”

“Still, didn’t have to marry her, not in this day and age. So why?”

Jim raked his hand through his hair, shaking his head. “Because Starfleet told me to.”

“Starfleet told you to get married?” Bones couldn’t keep the incredulity out of his voice. “And after all the orders you ignored, this one you follow?” 

“At my last review, Archer said I needed a stabilizing influence to overcome my maverick reputation, you know, if I wanted to make…”

“Admiral.” Bones filled in for him and Jim nodded. “Blind ambition then. Poor Carol.”

“She got what she wanted.” Jim said, sounding bitter.

“She wanted you.”

Jim turned his head and looked at him, his eyes bleak. “Precisely. My name and my rank.”

“And you, Jim? What about what you want?” 

“Why do you think I’m here?” 

“I have no idea.” Bones shook his head. “And me? What about what I want?”

Jim slid his clever fingers down Bones’ chest, trailed down his stomach, to circle his half-hard cock. Jim looked at him, his eyes nearly cobalt, and smiled knowingly. 

“I know what you want.” Jim straddled his lap and kissed him, a biting, bruising, possessive kiss. And, hating himself a bit, Bones let himself fall under his seductive, sensual spell, again, if only for a little while.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones goes back to work, after his lunchtime tryst with Jim...

“You’re late, McCoy.” Nurse Victoria, the dragon lady of the Medbay ER, snapped as Bones returned from lunch, still trying to smooth down his hair from his lunchtime tryst with Jim. With the Enterprise in dock for an overhaul, Bones filled in two days a week at the ER, Starfleet’s way of keeping his skills up while also adding additional staffing the hectic ER. He met the fire-breathing old crone’s eyes and tried to look penitential instead of smug and satisfied. Her eyes narrowed as she assessed him and then she smiled, never a good sign. “Take the patient in room two.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Bones said with a cheery wave, grabbing the chart as he walked away. He rounded the corner to find Carol lying on a bio-bed, hooked to dozens of monitors. Nyota stood on the far side of the bed, holding her hand. With her free hand, Carol clutched her swollen stomach. 

“Leonard, thank God it’s you.” Carol gasped when she saw him, stopped dead in the doorway.

“Carol?” He choked out, glancing between her and Nyota. He hadn’t seen her since the wedding, six weeks before, though he’d thought of her often, usually with a strange mixture of pity, guilt, and jealousy. 

“I’m having contractions. About five minutes apart. Jim’s not answering his comm.” Carol sounded as panicked as he felt. 

“We just had lunch. He should be back at his office now.” Nyota narrowed her eyes at him, flicking her gaze from his messy hair to his rumpled shirt. He couldn’t meet her all too knowing eyes and instead, focused on his patient, moving into doctor mode, trying to forget she was the wife of his secret lover. He licked his lips, still tasting of Jim, and tried to still his pounding heart. He glanced up at Nyota who still watched him, speculatively, and then turned to Carol, trying to smile, to project reassurance.

“How far along are you?”

“Seven and a half months.” Bones grabbed the fetal tri-corder kit and did a quick scan.

“The baby seems to be doing fine. Sleeping at the moment.“ He reassured her. “Do you want to know the gender?”

“No, we want to be surprised.” Carol smiled at him and Bones tried to grin back, cringing inside at her casual use of the word “we.” Bones knew though. In a few short weeks, Jim would have a son. He struggled to see Carol as just a patient and swallowed hard. “Let me order some tests but I’m sure everything will be fine.” 

Bones backpedaled out of the room, still reeling, and summoned the OB on call. After he ordered the tests, Nyota grabbed his bicep and, with a fierce grip, yanked him aside. 

“Ny, did you get in touch with Jim yet?” Bones raked his hand through his hair and tried to meet her eyes.

“He’s on the way.” She tossed her ponytail over her shoulder, crossed her arms and stared at him. “How long? How long has this been going on?” 

“What?” Bones shrugged, trying to project innocence. It worked no better on Nyota than it had on his mama when he was a kid.

“Do NOT give me that crap, Leonard McCoy.” She tapped her foot. “I’m waiting.”

“Not long…it’s not what…”

“It’s not what I think? Want to hear what I think?” She ignored Bones’ heartfelt no and said, “I think you and the Captain spent your lunch hour in bed together. Tell me I’m wrong, Leonard. Please.”

Bones met her eyes and drew breath to lie to her when Jim skidded to a halt next to them, out of breath, panic in his eyes. He clutched Bones’ forearm, meeting his eyes. “Bones?”

“She’s ok, Jim.” 

“The baby?”

“Fine as well. We’re running tests but I think it’s just false labor.” Mindful of Nyota, still standing there, watching them with narrowed eyes. Bones continued, “Your wife is in room two.”

Jim nodded and, with a quick, puzzled glance at the glowering Nyota, dashed into the room. He heard him say, “Hi, honey. You ok?” and shut his eyes against the piercing agony near his heart. When he opened them, Nyota still stood there, her hand over her mouth, pity in her eyes.

‘Nyota…please. I’ll talk to you, if that’s what you want, but…not here.” 

She glanced away and nodded. “Fine.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones and Nyota have a heart-to-heart...

Though he spent the rest of his shift plotting to avoid her, Nyota simply waited him out. When he got off shift, she sat in the waiting room, her legs crossed. When she saw him she stood and handed him a take-out cup of coffee. 

“Let’s go for a walk.” She said and Bones shrugged. He followed her outside, into the late afternoon sunshine, watching the cool, crisp breeze off the bay rattled the aspens lining the sidewalk. Leaves skittered along the waking paths and crunched under their feet as they strolled. They strode along the walking paths near the hospital, in silence, mindful of the busy press of people around them. Without discussing it, they turned to walk up the path to Starfleet Memorial park, matching each other’s stride. As they climbed, the crowds thinned out, until it was just the two of them, and Starfleet’s ghosts, in the park.

When he could bear the silence no longer, Bones said, “Thought you were going to get Carol settled.” 

“Mrs. Kirk is resting at home, Doctor.” 

“Ouch, Ny.” He looked at her ruefully. “And I think it’s actually Doctor Marcus-Kirk.”

“Leonard…how could you?” 

“Think I haven’t been asking myself that?”

“What’s your answer?”

“I don’t have one.” 

“Fill me in here, will you? Have you…how long…I don’t even know what questions to ask.” Exasperated, she rubbed her palm over her forehead and looked at him. “Were you together on the Enterprise? At the Academy?”

Bones shook his head. “No, it started the night before the wedding…I thought that Jim was just…” He shrugged, helpless to explain how he’d gotten himself here.

“Being Jim?” 

“Well, yeah, and then…after the honeymoon, he just showed up and…” They reached the darkening park and walked to the centerpiece, the Kelvin memorial. He flopped down on a bench, staring at the water, lapping at the base of the monument. Nyota sat next to him and took his hand. “I love him, Ny. I’ve been in love with him for years. For so long I can’t remember what it was like not to be in love with him. And I never thought…Never tried…”

“He’s married.”

“I know that. I was standing right next to him.” Bones rubbed his hand over his forehead, trying to fight the headache brewing there. “Just on the wrong side.”

“Oh, Leonard. How can this possibly end well?”

“It won’t. I’m not the guy who gets the happy ending. I knew that when my marriage ended. But…at least I get to have him for a little while.” 

“What about Carol? What if she finds out?”

“I like Carol. Always have. But…if you were in my situation, would you care about Spock’s significant other? Or would you take what you could get and damn the consequences?”

Nyota looked at him, sympathy in her eyes. “Even if you’re going to be the one hurt?”

“I’m a big boy. I can take it. Ny, please don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. But…it’s so obvious. I won’t be the only one to catch on.”

“We’ll be more careful. And I know that it can’t go on…I just can’t make myself walk away from him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be "off the grid" traveling for Thanksgiving this week so responses to comments might be delayed a bit. If you celebrate, I hope you have a wonderful and happy Turkey Day. I'm very grateful for all my readers. Your comments and kudos always make my day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Bones have some fun at an Academy reception...

At the Starfleet Academy reception for whatever excuse they came up this month to make them wear their monkey suits, Bones circulated for a while, chatting with colleagues and friends, rubbing his eyes at the headache brewing behind them. As CMO of the flagship, he often had to endure this type of social gathering but he never felt like he got any better at it. When he got tired of mingling, he dropped into his seat at the Enterprise table, next to Nyota, who chatted amiably with Chekov and Scotty. He looked up to see Jim escorting Carol to the table. He nodded around at all of them, didn’t meet Bones’ eyes, and left to fetch drinks. 

Carol smiled warmly at him. “Thank you for taking such good care of us the other day, Leonard.” 

“Glad you’re feeling better.” Though he’d handed off her care to the OB on call the instant he could, he’d checked their charts. Carol and the baby would be fine. Bones wanted to be grateful for that.

“I haven’t had a chance to talk to you in ages. Tell me what’s keeping you busy, Leonard.” 

Bones couldn’t very well tell her the truth—that he’d spent the afternoon busily screwing her husband into his mattress before he sent Jim home to her to change for this very reception.

“Research. I’m looking at a vaccine for the Andorian Influenza. And I work two shifts in the med-bay ER each week. Keeps the skills up.” He bit his lip to keep from babbling and then managed, “How about you?”

“I’m working from home mostly, developing a new weapons study.” Bones nodded, trying to feign interest he didn’t feel. 

He shot a glance at Nyota, begging for help. She raised an eyebrow at him but turned to Carol with a smile, “Tell us all about the nursery. Carol’s decorating it in a spaceship theme, Leonard.” 

Carol smiled and chatted happily with Nyota about shopping and shoes. When they got to lip gloss, Bones tossed his napkin on the table, grabbing his hat, wondering if he could head out early, plead illness. Instead, he headed for the bar. As soon as he got there, Jim grabbed his arm, dragging him into the hallway, and shoving him into a coat closet. 

“Jim…this isn’t a good…” Bones moaned when Jim palmed the front of his trousers, his clever fingers finding all the right spots. He thunked his head on the wall, muffled by the coats. In the darkness of the closet, he fumbled to reach Jim, clutching at his shoulders, as Jim unzipped his trousers. As he stroked Bones to hardness, Jim laved at his balls, sucking first one and then the other into his wide mouth, the sensation even more intense in the sensory deprivation of the dark closet.

“They’re waiting for us at the table.” Bones protested and then gasped when Jim’s hot mouth surrounded him. Jim bobbed his head a few times, tormenting Bones with his talented tongue, before pulling off with an obscene pop. 

“Guess I better suck you off quickly then, huh?” He swirled his tongue over the head of Bones’ cock and then blew a cool breath over him. “Or do you want me to stop?”

Bones, his breath heaving in and out of his chest, gasped out. “Don’t you dare.”

“Your wish is my command, Bones.” 

In less than a minute, Bones climaxed, pouring himself down Jim’s throat, as his lover moaned and swallowed it all. After he zipped his own pants, he dropped to his knees to repay the favor. Jim clutched handfuls of his hair as he deep throated him, Jim gasping out his own pleasure, chanting Bones’ name in a horse, desperate whisper, his thighs shaking as he came.

When they emerged from the closet, less than five minutes later, Jim went first, returning to the table by a circuitous route. Bones straightened himself out as best he could and popped into the hallway, only to run into Spock. 

“Leonard? Are you well?”

“Just fine, Spock. How are you?” Bones answered distractedly, running a hand through his hair. 

“What were you doing in a coat closet?” Bones met his eyes and Spock raised an eyebrow. Ten years of living with Jim and marriage to Nyota had softened the Vulcan somewhat. “Ah. Excuse me for asking. I had no idea you were indulging in an….”

“Yeah, okay, Spock. Thanks.” Bones interrupted, turning away, tucking his hat under his arm. 

“Doctor McCoy?” Bones turned, surprised to hear Spock address him so formally. “You may wish to exchange hats with the Captain.”

Bones’ mouth dropped open and he glanced down at the hat under his arm, shocked to see Jim’s rank on it instead of his own. He bit his lip. _Busted._

Spock stepped closer and spoke low. “Were Captain Kirk to commit adultery, he could lose his commission.”

“I know. He knows. We…have to stop.” Bones said, desperate. 

“See that you do.” Spock turned away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angry sex against a wall...
> 
> Please note that today's tags are: light d/s, mild dubious consent, dominant!Bones, and rimming. Enjoy!

Two hours later, Bones sat on his sofa in his lonely quarters, still wearing his dress uniform, when the door popped open, revealing Jim, also still wearing his dress grays. 

“Dropped the wife at home?” Bones slurred, slugging down more from the half-empty bourbon bottle, and eyeing his illicit lover. 

Jim nodded, already toeing off his shoes and unfastening the stiff collar of his dress uniform. He stalked across the room to Bones, all predatory grace. “I told her I’ve got a breakfast meeting. I can stay all night.”

At Jim’s casual comment, Bones threw the bottle at his head, suddenly, fiercely enraged. He’s loved Jim for over a decade and now all he gets are stolen moments at the corners of Jim’s life, when he can cram Bones in around his marriage. Jim ducked and the bottle shattered against the wall, sending a spray of glass and whiskey in every direction.

“What the hell, Bones?” Jim stood, eyes wide, the smell of the whiskey heavy in the room. 

Bones climbed off the sofa and stalked toward Jim, grabbing the front of his jacket, yanking Jim towards him. The fabric tore, buttons flying everywhere as Bones ripped it off him. Jim stood, the jacket gaping open over his chiseled chest, his chest heaving as he met Bones’ eyes. He licked his lower lip and smiled, his blue eyes turning dark with lust, temptation incarnate, and Bones snapped. 

He shoved Jim against the wall, holding his hands over his head, unfastening the front of his trousers, stroking him to hardness, as he licked and sucked his neck. He bit hard, at the juncture of Jim’s shoulder and neck, marking him, claiming him. Jim whimpered, wrapping his legs around Bones’ waist, rocking against him. Jim loved to be dominated in bed, held down and made to take it. Bones usually loved giving Jim just what he wanted. But now, Bones wanted to claim Jim as his, even if just for the night.

“Please, Bones.” Jim groaned, rocking against him, hard, ready, and willing. Roughly, Bones turned him around and yanked his pants down. He dropped to his knees, parting Jim’s rounded bottom. Bones blew a stream of warm air over Jim’s puckered hole, as Jim mewled and scrabbled at the wall. Jim canted his hips out, begging wordlessly. Bones leaned in, hovering over Jim’s most sensitive spot, just using his breath to torment Jim. He laid his tongue flat against Jim’s pink, puffy hole and then licked a slow stripe up and over, loving Jim crying his name. Bones chuckled when Jim pressed back into him, pleading for more. He flicked his tongue against Jim’s hole, rubbing and pushing against Jim but not entering him. Jim’s thighs shook as he arched, begging. Finally, Jim dropped a hand to his cock but Bones knocked his hands away.

“No. Not until I say so.” Jim gasped, leaning his upper body against the wall for support but letting his hand fall limply away. In reward, Bones traced the tip of his tongue around Jim’s opening before pushing his legs apart to lick and suck the back of Jim’s balls, Jim’s whimper arrowing straight to his own cock. He sucked bruises along Jim’s inner thighs and on his perfect bottom before returning his attention to Jim’s entrance. He slid a finger inside, licking around it as Jim sobbed and pleaded. Slowly, he added a second finger, stretching Jim open, readying him.

“Please, Bones…Please…want your cock…please…” Jim sobbed and begged. Bones gave him no quarter, taking him apart, relentless and determined. He added a third finger, stroking in and out slowly, not pressing in far enough to hit Jim’s sweet spot, still sucking and licking around the stretched opening, flicking his tongue between his fingers. When he’d reduced Jim to a needy, begging mess, Bones stood and pressed against his wet, welcoming hole, teasing him with his cock.

“Is this what you want, darlin’?” He hugged Jim closer, stroking his hands over his flat belly and up his chest. Jim reached back to pull Bones closer, wiggling to impale himself on Bones’ ready cock. Bones stepped back, yanking Jim’s hands above his head. “Not yet.” 

He rubbed the head of his cock against the cleft of Jim’s ass, as Jim moaned and dropped his head back, his blue eyes nearly black. “Fuck me, Bones. Please.”

Bones had never learned to resist him when he was sweet. He gave in, pushing forward to seat himself in Jim and whispered, “You’re mine. Mine.”

“Yours.” Jim agreed as Bones reached around with his free hand to stroke him to orgasm. “Only…always…yours.” 

It took only a few thrusts for Bones to follow Jim, spilling into him in wet, hot spurts. Even after their tryst this afternoon and in the coat closet, the intensity of his release astonished Bones. They were incandescent together, hot every time, beyond anything he’d ever experienced. Jim slumped backwards into his arms, boneless, and he walked them over to the bed, dumping Jim there on his face. He went into the bathroom and changed for bed before walking out to find Jim dozing there, still dressed. 

Bones crawled onto the bed, wrestling the covers out from under Jim, waking him. Jim sat up, grinning at him. “Didn’t know the Academy banquets made you so hot, Bones.”

“I ran into Spock, as I exited the coat closet. He knows, Jim. He’ll never stay quiet.”

“If Uhura knew, Spock already knew too. I’ll keep him quiet…”

“How?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Bones shut his eyes and rubbed his hands over his forehead. Jim crawled up to straddle his lap, wrapping his arms around his neck and rubbing his fingers through Bones’ hair. “You’re scowling quite a lot for a man who’s had three orgasms today.”

Bones pushed him away, gently, looking up into Jim’s big, blue eyes. “We have to stop, Jim. You’re married.”

“So?”

“Spock mentioned adultery charges.”

“Starfleet hasn’t hit anyone with adultery charges in years. Besides, the way the Admirals hop in and out of each other’s beds…” 

Bones held up his hands. “It’s wrong. What about your wife?” 

Jim’s eyes turned hard. “What about her?”

“What if she finds out?” Jim shrugged. Not for the first time, Bones wondered if Jim _wanted_ her to find out, to free himself from the cage he’d willingly stepped into just a few months before. “She’s my friend too.”

“No. You’re my friend. Mine.” Jim said, dropping a quick, possessive kiss on Bones’ mouth and he couldn’t help but hear the echo of his own possessive claims on Jim during their lovemaking. Jim tugged his head back, dropping kisses on his neck, just the way he knew Bones loved. Every time he tried to bring this up with Jim, he’d deflect and distract Bones with sex. But this time, they were spent or at least Bones was. Bones crossed his arms over his chest, clenching his hands into fists to keep from reaching for Jim. Jim stopped and leaned back, smiling down at Bones. “You think I can’t get a reaction out of you?”

“I’m sure you can.” Bones said, hating how breathless and needy his voice sounded. Jim stood and stripped out of his clothes, crawling back on the bed next to him, perfectly comfortable with his nudity.

“Okay, you want to talk. What do you want me to say?”

“Why? Why me? Why now?”

“Because…” Jim worried his bottom lip with his teeth. “I always wanted to but I never thought…never tried…”

Bones nodded. He hadn’t either. He couldn’t honestly fault Jim for that. He understood about not wanting to risk their friendship. He looked at Jim. He’d always lived in the moment where Bones made careful plans and overthought things. Maybe Bones could live in the moment, be selfish just a little while longer, just for now. 

“Spock and Uhura won’t tell anyone. We’ll be more careful. We’ll be fine.” Jim crawled up to kiss him and then settled into the blankets. “Now, let’s go to sleep. I bet morning sex with you is amazing.”

Bones ordered the lights off and snuggled against Jim’s back, pulling him close. Didn’t he deserve at least one night to hold the love of his life in his arms and to wake up beside him? Ignoring the little nagging voice of his conscience, which sounded remarkably like a certain green-blooded hobgoblin he knew, Bones fell asleep, holding everything he’d ever wanted in his arms.


	10. Chapter 10

The following morning, Bones woke in the gray pre-dawn to find Jim staring down at him, his head propped on his hand. As Bones’ eyes fluttered open, Jim traced his jawline and cheek with his fingertips before capturing his lips, licking into Bones. He tasted coffee and mint and something else that was uniquely Jim. He slid his hand around the back of Jim’s neck, running his fingers into his hair. Jim nipped at his bottom lip playfully, seemingly content to take things slowly as he ran his hand down Bones side, pulling him against him. 

Bones rolled them over, straddling Jim before reaching for the tube of lubricant from the bedside table and readying himself. Then, pushing Jim down on the bed, he lowered himself, inch by tortuous inch onto Jim’s thick cock. He rarely bottomed as Jim seemed to prefer it that way but this morning, he wanted the sweet press of Jim inside him, filling him.

“You’re so tight.” Jim groaned, arching his head back, clutching at the sheets, as dawn painted them both in peach and rose and gold. Bones breathed through the burning stretch, rocking back down on him. Jim gripped his hips but let him set the pace. When Jim arched up into him, just as Bones slid down, Jim’s cock brushed his prostate. Bones’ eyes flew open wide at the intensity of the sensation, whimpering as Jim thrust again, just right. They fit so perfectly together, like jigsaw puzzles slotting into place.

Without warning, Jim flipped him over in the bed, in one smooth motion. Sometimes Bones forgot how strong his lover was. He caught Bones’ hands, pulling them up and over his head, pressing his hips into the bed. Bones moaned at the intensity of being held down. He could see why Jim liked it so much. Then Jim twined his fingers with his and lowered himself to cover Bones’ chest. He kissed him then, sweet and slow, in counterpoint to his tantalizing thrusts, still rutting into Bones, his flat stomach brushing against Bones’ aching cock. 

“So beautiful, so perfect, so good together.” Jim whispered, never stopping his sweet slide into Bones’ body, licking at his neck, making Bones shudder and mewl. “Do you have any idea what you do to me? I think about this all the time, us together, being here with you, where I belong. With my Bones.” 

“Jim…” Bones could scarcely stand the sweet, reverent tone in Jim’s voice, like he worshiped him, adored him…as much as Bones felt for Jim and more. Jim pulled one hand free, to reach between them and stroke Bones. He raised his head, locking his eyes on Bones face, his blue eyes glowing, as he rocked into him. “Come for me, Bones. I want to see you fall apart in my arms…”

Jim twisted his palm over the head of Bones’ cock, slamming himself deeper, hitting Bones’ prostate on each thrust. He smiled down at Bones, as he gave in and arched up, spurting over their chests and stomach, Jim’s name on his lips, colors exploding behind his eyelids. After a few more thrusts, Jim climaxed, pouring himself into Bones and collapsing on his chest, snuggling him close.

Bones pushed him away, his emotions scraped raw and exposed after the tenderness of that encounter. _Would this be what it would be like had they married?_ Waking up together and making love in the sunrise, after sleeping entwined in each other’s arms all night long. Coffee ready and showering together before their day. Coming home to each other each night. Bones ached at the thought of how much he wanted all that and more with Jim, how much he wanted a life with Jim at his side.

Jim raised his head, smiling down at him, the sunrise bronzing his fair skin. He looked like some Greek god. Fleetingly, Bones thought of Icarus and wondered which of them was flying closer to the sun and who would end up toppling into the sea in the end.

“I’ve gotta go to work, Jim. Make rounds.” Jim smiled at him again, sleepy and sated, as Bones retreated to the shower.

* * *

The following Thursday, Bones rushed between the raindrops back to his apartment after a late surgery. They’d established a Thursday night tradition. Jim brought Chinese food and they’d flip the game on—though neither’d ever see a moment—as they’d tumble into bed, ravenous for only each other. He found Jim reclining on the bed, his uniform in a trail across the room, naked and ready, his fist already pumping around his thick cock. 

“I see you got started without me.” Bones laughed as he pulled his scrub shirt over his head and toed off his shoes, stalking toward the bed, shaking his damp hair out of his eyes. Along the way, he stripped off his pants.

“As long as I don’t finish without you…” Jim smiled and pulled him down for a deep kiss. 

“Sorry I’m late, darlin.’” Jim twined his arms around him and pulled him close as Bones straddled his lap. 

“You’ll make it up to me, somehow.” Jim smiled against his mouth, pulling Bones down on the bed.

Later, after their second round of lovemaking, they laid next to each other, curled under the brightly patterned wedding ring quilt that his grandmother gave him when he’d married. Bones sat, braced against the headboard, feeding Jim noodles out of the carton, as the rain pattered on the windows. Jim cuddled against Bones, feeling cozy, comfortable, and content. Just as he started to doze, Bones shifted to glance at his wrist chrono. 

“Jimmy, it’s nearly ten.” Jim sighed and nodded. He needed to go home, even though he felt most at home here in Bones’ strong arms. _Maybe, after the baby came…_ He crawled out of the bed, sore in all the best places. He dressed, as Bones lounged in the bed, playing with the noodles in the carton but not really eating. He stabbed his chopsticks viciously into the container and put it on the bedside table.

“Bones…”

“Don’t say anything. Just go. It’s ok.” 

“Lunch tomorrow?”

“Sure, kid.” Bones nodded but didn’t meet his eyes. Jim sighed. He’d gotten them in this mess. Somehow, he’d get them out. He leaned over and, tilting Bones’ face up to him, kissed him briefly before dashing out the door. 

With the rain, he didn’t make it home until after 11. And, to his surprise, his wife sat up, awake in their wide bed, waiting for him. She looked up when he entered and frowned at him. Jim raked a hand through his hair and tried to smile at her.

“Hi.” Jim greeted her awkwardly, “Do you feel okay? Can I make you a cup of tea or…uh…something?” 

“Who is she?”

“She? I was with Bones.” She crossed her arms, cocking her head to the side, assessing him, her blue eyes wide and wary. “We were watching the game.”

“Really? Who won?” He blinked at her. Why hadn’t he checked before he left Bones’ apartment? “The game was rained out, James.”

“Oh…um…look, you can call him and check. I was with Bones all night.” He hunched his shoulders, sliding his hands into his pockets, feeling as defensive and helpless as he did when Frank would start on him as a kid. 

“Like Leonard wouldn’t lie to cover for you. I’ve seen the Jim and Bones show. One lies and the other swears to it. Leonard would do anything for you.” 

“Carol, I…” Jim looked at her, helplessly. She was mere weeks away from delivering their baby. What could he tell her now? She held out a hand to him and he walked over and sat on the bed. They’d dated for a year before they married. He knew she loved him and he’d thought he’d loved her enough to want a life with her. She was smart, kind, beautiful. She’d be a wonderful mother. And all he wanted was a surly, aviophobic doctor. He was a terrible person, selfish to the last, trying to have it all. 

“I’m as big as a house and…”

“No, that’s not it.” Jim shook his head. “You’re lovely, Carol, truly.” This was the moment, he should tell her. But how could he tell his hugely pregnant wife that he was in love with someone else? And had been since long before he met her? 

She picked up his hand and placed it on her swollen belly. Beneath his fingers, the baby kicked hard. He looked up into her eyes and smiled. He was Jim Kirk, he’d never met a no-win solution he couldn’t wiggle out of. He just needed to figure out how to change the parameters just one more time.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones comes to a decision...

“How was everyone’s Thanksgiving?” Jim asked at their weekly bridge crew lunch in the officer’s mess. With the Enterprise in dry dock for months of repairs, the bridge crew all received various temporary assignments at Starfleet HQ. Far too talented a captain to let his unbeatable team fall apart, Jim instituted a weekly lunch tradition. If they didn’t hold this weekly lunch, they’d never see each other. Bones found he was always happy to see their friends, though he wouldn’t have thought to seek them out on his own. 

They went around the table, sharing stories of a meal enjoyed with family. Bones had declined Jim’s invitation to dinner on Thanksgiving Day, sure he’d show his feelings on his face and not wanting to endure seeing Carol and Jim together. Instead, Bones spent the holiday hanging by his comm unit all day, hoping Jim might be able to slip away for a few stolen moments. He hadn’t heard from Jim all the long holiday weekend. He’d driven down the coast on Saturday, thinking about their impossible situation but not able to find a path out of the mess they’d created.

“How was your first married Thanksgiving, Keptin—I mean, Jim?” Chekov, even ten years in, still tended to address Jim by his title. Jim patted his shoulder, with a fond smile. 

“We had Carol’s cousins over from London. They’d never had a good old fashioned American Thanksgiving. Carol’s getting a little crazy with the pregnancy hormones. She yelled at me for using the wrong napkin rings.” The bridge crew laughed and Jim, loving being in the spotlight, continued, “Didn’t even know we owned napkin rings.”

Nyota glanced at Bones who stared at his sandwich as though it contained the secrets of the universe. He bit his lip. Jim was married. He’d hosted a holiday meal with his wife. In just a few weeks, they’d have a baby, become a family.

And Bones would continue to wake up alone every day, eager for the crumbs of time Jim could spare for him, which would be less and less as his baby grew. Jim was making a life with Carol, a life that didn’t include a place for Bones. 

In their most passionate moments, Bones forced himself to forget about Carol, to convince himself that intense physical connection between them meant they could eventually parlay it into more. He was kidding himself. Jim married Carol to secure his career advancement and had a child on the way. He couldn’t leave her without damaging his career and his precious reputation. If it ever came out that the Federation’s golden boy left his perfect wife and child for his CMO, neither of their careers would ever recover. Bones had to face the facts. Now that Jim was married, Bones would never be at the center of Jim’s life, instead he’d be the dirty, dark secret he always had to hide, hungry for stolen scraps of time from Jim’s real life. 

And the worst part of it was that Bones knew that he would let that be enough for him. If he just got Jim in some form, just had a little bit of him, he could make it be enough. Since they’d met on the shuttle, Bones’s life revolved around Jim, not the other way around. He glanced around at the bridge crew, all connected by the shining star at the center, the rest of them in perpetual orbit around him. 

Bones excused himself from the table, dumping his sandwich into the recycler and heading out into the bright November sunshine, walking with his hands in his pockets, through the rolling footpaths that surrounded the Academy. In the distance, he could just make out the top of the dorm where he and Jim lived together for three years, the roof they used to stargaze and drink together on, as they dreamt of their lives together in space. They’d done two tours side-by-side in the black, always together. How had everything turned to ashes so quickly?

In just a few moments, as he knew he would, Jim followed and caught his arm, turning him to face him, that slow, sexy grin on his face. 

“We could go to my office or…”

“No, Jim. Not today.” Bones shook his head, pulling his arm free. 

“You got a meeting or something?”

“Jim.” He looked Jim full in the face, his beautiful, beloved Jim. “We have to stop.”

“Spock and Uhura are not going to tell…”

“This isn’t about Spock and Nyota. It’s…” Bones shook his head. He thought of confessing his feelings, admitting the depth of his love for Jim but…he wanted Jim to choose him first. And now he knew that Jim would never do that. Not Jim, who didn’t believe in making any choices he didn’t have to. Bones would have to make the choice for them and he hoped he could be strong enough to do it. Maybe, in time, they could return to their prior working relationship, with their torrid affair nothing but a memory. 

“It’s what?”

“It’s about napkin rings.”

“You’re ending things with me over napkin rings?” Confusion flickered over Jim’s face. “What the hell with the napkin rings?”

“I never should have started things with you, Jim.” And Bones turned around and walked away, proud of himself for finally pulling the plug even as he felt like he’d ripped his own heart out of his chest. He spent the next two nights so drunk, even the sober-up hyposprays didn’t fix his hangovers, calling in sick to his medbay shift and hiding in his darkened apartment, alternately hoping Jim would come over and hoping never to see him again.

He should have known it would never be that easy with Jim.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, Bones finally had enough. What will Jim do next?

On the morning of the third day, a blaring emergency comm signal woke Bones from his drunken stupor on his bathroom floor. He crawled to the comm unit and slammed his palm into it, silencing the bleeping, before crawling back into the bathroom to be sick, repeatedly. Eventually, he opened his bleary eyes to glance at the display. After fighting to get his eyes to focus, he thumbed the verbal playback to hear:

“Report to Shuttle Bay One. Immediate Enterprise Mission to Orion.”

What had Jim done now? Last he’d heard, the Enterprise was in dry dock for months of repairs. He struggled upright and into the shower. After a pot of strong coffee and two hangover hyposprays, Bones dressed and grabbed his kit. He shut his eyes and leaned against the wall by the door, briefly considering pleading illness. Jim would just demand he’d be treated in sickbay so that wouldn’t work. He considered just not showing up but the thought of being dragged onto the Enterprise by the likes of Cupcake and his crew got him out the door. There was no need to give Jim that much satisfaction. 

He’d hoped to avoid Jim until they were on the bridge crew shuttle at least. Instead, he walked into Shuttle Bay One as his now former lover entered from the next door. With dark circles like purple bruises highlighting his blue eyes and his pale skin, Jim looked as bad as he had when he first woke up after Khan. Guess he wasn’t the only one devastated and strung out. Jim glared at him as he passed and Bones grabbed his arm, pulling him to one side. 

“What the hell is this message about going to Orion?” Bones hissed. 

“We’re dropping off some diplomats, Doctor McCoy.” Jim shook his arm free and glared at him. This close, Bones noted the too tight set of Jim’s mouth and how red-rimmed his eyes were.

“Is the Enterprise even ready to go out again?”

“Aye, laddie. Thank you for asking after the fair lady.” Scotty said as he strode past them toward the shuttle.

“You make mission decisions down in sickbay, now, do you?” Jim snapped, drawing him back into their argument.

A muscle jumped in Bones’ jaw and he stepped closer. “You better not be doing this because of some hare-brained attempt to re-kindle our…whatever we had. I meant what I said, Jim. We are over. Done. Finished.”

“What an ego you have, Doctor McCoy.” Jim’s eyes narrowed as he glared at him. “I’m your Captain. I call the shots.”

“We both know that’s not quite true, don’t we, Jim?” Bones watched awareness flicker over Jim’s face followed by a terrible, aching yearning. “How long is this little milk run of yours?”

“A week.” Bones closed his eyes, bracing himself for the torture of being near Jim on a tiny starship for an entire week and not being able to touch him. He’d hoped that, eventually, with time, they’d be able to return to their working relationship but they needed time apart to heal first, time that Jim wasn’t going to allow them. Maybe they’d never get back into their previous relationship and Bones wasn’t sure what that meant for either of them. If Jim was going to stay married…

His eyes flew open when an even more horrifying possibility presented itself. Carol. The baby was due in less than a month. With Carol aboard…Bones couldn’t begin to contemplate the emotional agony of being the attending doctor when Carol delivered Jim’s son. 

“Your wife is about to deliver…” 

“Don’t worry about my wife. You never have before.”

“Low blow, Jim.” 

“We’re sailing. Get on board and report to sickbay. Or I’ll put your ass in the brig for insubordination.”

“You’d love that, wouldn’t you, darlin’?” Jim’s eyes flashed—lightening through a summer sky—and Bones thought Jim would actually, finally punch him. He looked around at the crowded hanger. He could not imagine the rage of the Starfleet brass if the Captain and the CMO of the Enterprise conducted a brawl in the shuttle bay. Maybe it would be something approaching his own heartsick fury.

“Get.on.that.shuttle.”

Grinding his teeth, Bones stepped back and saluted Jim before turning to board the shuttle. Scotty stood there, staring at them, mouth agape. Well, looked like another member of the bridge crew knew. Perhaps they should just make an announcement and make it easier for everyone to gossip. Without a word, Bones walked past him and boarded the shuttle. He took the seat next to Nyota who sat next to her husband. She raised an eyebrow at him. 

“You can quit giving me that look. I ended things two days ago.” Bones said, resting his head against the seat back.

“Ah, I thought our Captain was in an exceptionally unpleasant mood. Now I know the reason.” Spock supplied and Bones rolled his eyes. Sometimes being on the Enterprise was like serving in a perpetual high school. Bones glared at Jim as he boarded the shuttle and, pausing only to glance at his First and his CMO, sat next to Chekov and Sulu, chatting and laughing with Pavel about leave plans.

Where’s Carol?” Bones finally cracked and whispered to Nyota, just as they took off. Spock answered for her. “Doctor Marcus-Kirk has been temporarily grounded from flight status, in light of her early labor scare.”

And the last puzzle piece slotted into place in his head. Jim engineered this whole thing to give them time together, to try to wear Bones down and get him to restart their relationship. Never very good at saying no to Jim, Bones wasn’t sure he’d be able to resist him longer than the first jump to warp. Bones blew out a breath.

_Just great._


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim pleads his case...

In planning their milk run, Jim scheduled both himself and Bones on alpha shift and, just so he wouldn’t have to look at their disapproval, made sure to schedule Spock and Uhura on gamma. At least he was kind enough to put them together. Once they were underway and the diplomats settled into their quarters, Jim headed down to sickbay, just as alpha shift was ending. For long, agonizing seconds, he stood outside Bones’ office door, chewing on his lip and mentally wringing his hands, before overriding the code and striding in.

“Jim, what the fuck?” Bones snapped, glaring at him from behind the desk. His back pressed against the door, Jim just looked at him, drinking in the sight of Bones. Bones eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. He was pale, too thin, and Jim didn’t believe he was entirely sober. Even though his lover looked like hell and Jim knew he didn’t look much better, he’d missed him terribly in just the two days they’d been apart. When he’d gotten the chance to take the Enterprise out for a spin, he’d jumped on it, knowing it would give him the opportunity he needed to plead his case to Bones. He had to win him back, by any means necessary.

“You can’t override that code without good reason, Captain.” Bones practically spit his title. “I should report your ass.”

“But you won’t do that, will you, Bones?” Jim stepped closer, placing his palms on the desk and leaning closer to Bones, inhaling the citrusy undertones in his cologne. The scent steadied him, calmed him. This was Bones. He’d get him back. 

“Stop calling me that.” 

“I always call you that.” Jim whispered. “What else should I call you? Baby? Sweetie? Honey? Darlin’?’” He dragged it out, in a passable imitation of Bones’ wrecked slow, Southern drawl when they were in bed. Bones stood to leave, striding around the desk toward the door. Jim grabbed his arm as he passed and Bones shoved him away, crossing his arms over his chest and hunching over slightly as though to ward off a body blow. 

“What do you want from me?” Jim cried, frustrated, raking both hands through his hair. “What do I have to do to get you back? Leave my pregnant wife?”

“What did you think, Jim? That I’d be content to be your piece on the side forever? Someone you fucked when Carol isn’t interested?”

“My marriage…” Jim shook his head. He just needed more time…just a bit more time living this double life. The baby would be born soon. Maybe when the child was a bit older…

“You never gave your marriage much of a chance since you’ve been fucking me—and who knows who else—this whole time.”

“Just you. It’s always been just you.” 

“Yeah, except for that time you married Carol.” Jim winced and closed his eyes. He didn’t want them to fight, to tear their friendship apart like this. Since he’d set foot on the Riverside shuttle, Bones had always been the most important person in his life, his touchstone, his anchor, his Bones. He couldn’t imagine life without Bones and he didn’t want to. 

“I’ll leave her, after the baby comes. That’s what you want, isn’t it?” He opened his eyes to see Bones staring at him in pure, open-mouthed shock. So he had been right. That was what Bones wanted. To his very great surprise, Jim found he wanted that too—a life with Bones at his side.

“I want you never to have married her. Never to have knocked her up. Never to have placed us in this unwinnable situation.”

“And I wish I’d fucked you all those times I wanted to at the Academy and on the Enterprise. I can’t change the past. And you know I don’t believe in no-win situations.”

“I do though. I’ve lived them. Jim, this can’t end well.”

“As long as it ends with us together. I cannot be without you, Bones. You are…essential to me.” Jim swallowed, his heart pounding a staccato beat in his chest. Bones raked a hand through his hair and looked at Jim. Was it possible that Bones felt all the same things Jim did and more? Did Bones feel this desperate need to be with Jim? Did he want a life with Jim at his side?

“Why do you keep risking your commission with me?” Bones finally asked. “Starfleet won’t look kindly on adultery charges for you. Spock and Nyota already know. I think Scotty overheard us in the shuttle bay. Jim, we need to stop this. We have to.”

“I won’t give you up. And you don’t get to walk away from me.” Jim said, as he crowded Bones back against the wall, feeling the warmth of Bones wash over him as he pressed against him from shoulder to hip. Bones didn’t resist him but did nothing to encourage him either.

“Jim, let me go. Please.” Bones begged, his breathing ragged, his eyes dilating with the same lust and need and maybe more that Jim felt.

“You are mine.” He tangled his hands in Bones’ soft, silky hair, tugging gently until he bared the long, tempting column of his neck, watching the pulse flutter there. He brushed a kiss over that quivering point before licking and sucking his way up to his earlobe, loving the way he could make Bones tremble with need. “Mine.”

Jim felt the moment Bones cracked. He moaned, his hips surging up and into Jim’s, seeking friction and heat, clutching at Jim’s biceps. “I want you and I shouldn’t. You belong to her.”

“No, Bones, I’ve always belonged to you. Just like you’ve always belonged to me.” 

“I wish that was true…” Bones started and Jim kissed him then, deep and drugging. Bones eyes fell shut as he surrendered to Jim and the inferno they created between them. And finally, when Bones put his hands on him again, sliding his hands under his gold command shirt,his talented fingers against Jim’s bare skin. Jim finally felt whole, safe, secure again as they sank to the floor tangled together.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim gets some advice from an old friend...and he and Bones enjoy the calm before the storm...
> 
> (or this is the last happy chapter before the angst really arrives.)

On the third day of their milk run, Scotty summoned Jim to Engineering, just as Alpha shift ended. He found his Chief Engineering at his make-shift still that Jim pretended not to know about. Scotty smiled at him and handed him a glass of bright green spirits. Even at arm’s length the fumes made his eyes water. “What’s up, Scotty?” 

Scotty gestured him to the camp chairs set up and, sighing, Jim sat. He took a sip of the liquor, a surprisingly delicious lime flavored concoction, but didn’t drink more. He didn’t want to end up passed out drooling on the deck again, the way he had the last time he’d had an entire glass of Scotty’s special blend. Scotty drank deeply and tapped his fingers on his leg. Jim let the quiet, steady hum of the Engineering deck surround him for a moment. Other than in Bones’ arms, here, at the heart of his ship, felt like home. Finally, after a deep sigh, Scotty said, “Jim…this may not be my place…”

“Spit it out, Scotty.” 

“You and Leonard…”

Jim stood abruptly and turned to leave. Scotty slapped a hand on his shoulder and spun him back to face him. “Just let me say my piece, Jim. Ease my conscience. And then I swear I’ll never speak of it again, alright?” Jim shrugged and dropped back onto the camp chair. “Am I right that you and Leonard are together, finally?”

Jim met Scotty’s blue-grey eyes and, to his immense relief, saw only sympathy there. His shoulders loosened and dropped. He rubbed a hand over his face and leaned back against a bulwark. Other than Bones, Scotty was his closest friend, his pal, his drinking buddy. Jim nodded.

“Good for you.”

“Aren’t you going to give me a lecture about how I’m married to Carol with a baby on the way and that I could be brought up on adultery charges at any moment and…”

“I expect Nyota and Spock have done a good job at that already, lad.” Scotty leaned against the opposite bulwark and grinned at Jim. “You know, when I first saw you and Leonard together, on the bridge, I thought you were a couple. I’d often wondered if you two would ever make it official.”

“I never thought he was interested…then, the night before my wedding…”

“Bad timing, eh? I know a bit about that. I nearly got married once.” Jim jerked his head up to look at Scotty in surprise. Though he’d seen Scotty hook up on shore leave and known he’d come to a convenient arrangement with a willing shipmate a few times, he’d thought the man’s one true love was his ship, the one he let Jim captain so he could tinker in Engineering. “She was my student at the Academy. When I got sent to Delta Vega for losing that bloody dog, I nearly asked her to marry me before I left. But…I wanted to wait for just the right time, just the right moment. So I waited. And she died in the battle of Vulcan.”

“Scotty, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” 

“Aye, well, it was long ago. When we set that marker, as we crept home, and I saw the wreckage of the fleet, I wondered, did she have a moment to think of me as she died? Did she know how much I loved her, adored her, my Gaila?”

“Gaila?” Jim echoed, shocked. “Was she Orion?”

“Aye. Brilliant engineer. One of the most brilliant minds I ever taught…” 

“I knew Gaila.”

“I still miss her, every day, and wonder about the life we could have had together. You made a mistake marrying Carol and I doubt it will be easy to fix but…the best things in life are rarely easy. Jim, don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t wait until it’s too late to do the right thing.”

“I almost did, Scotty but…I think things are going to be okay now.” Jim patted his shoulder and headed upstairs, feeling nearly giddy with hope. 

* * *

During their milk run, Jim ensured that Bones never even saw his own quarters. They scarcely completed their shifts before falling into the plush Captain’s bed in a sensual haze. They barely slept, preferring instead to fill their time with endless hours of creative, erotic pleasure, in every way either of them could think of to find it. Bones cradled a sleeping Jim in his arms every night as he watched the star trails stream past and berated himself for not having the courage to try for this before…

The last night of their hop, Jim knelt on the bed, Bones on his feet behind him. Jim reached behind him, his fingers tangled in Bones hair as Bones pressed kisses to the back of his neck. He slipped his arms around Jim, stroking slowly up his chest and down his belly, pulling him flush against his chest, hugging him against him, thrusting deep into him all the while. Their skin was dappled by starlight from the porthole and in that moment, Bones could swear they were as infinite as the stars beyond them.

Jim’s head fell back to his shoulder, as his hips matched Bones thrust for thrust, lost to the intoxicating magic they created between them. He cupped Bones cheek, running his thumb over Bones’ jaw. Bones stilled his thrusts, and raised his gaze from where he’d been greedily watching himself pump Jim’s cock in his hand. Jim’s gorgeous eyes were hot with lust and need and maybe more…

“Love you, Bones. So fucking much.” Jim whispered. They kissed again, tender, soulful, shattering. With a few more shallow thrusts, they climaxed together and Jim collapsed onto the bed, pulling Bones with him. They lay cuddled tight together, Bones stroking Jim’s side, rubbing gentle circles over him. 

After several moments of silence, as the Enterprise hummed around them, pulling them inexorably back toward earth, Jim said, “We could go on another five year mission, after the baby comes.”

“You’d miss your baby’s growing up years.” Bones rasped. 

“But we’d have this.” Bones raised his head to look Jim full in the face as Jim shifted onto his back. “It’s selfish of me to even think it but…” He ran his hand up Bones’ bicep to clasp his shoulder. “I wish we had more time out here.”

“Me too, Jimmy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to WeWillSpockYou for helping me with the scene with Scotty. 
> 
> There isn’t much available on Scotty’s background before Delta Vega. I decided he was an engineering instructor at the Academy.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Carol's baby arrives...

The days after they returned from their milk run were the happiest of Bones’ life. _Jim was going to leave Carol for him._ They’d be together, just as he’d always wanted, hoped, dreamed. They would finally be a couple. He drifted around in dreamy contemplation, lost in fantasies of their lives together. He searched the real estates listings for a place of their own, near the medbay and the Academy administration complex with space for each of them to have an office and a cute animal themed room for the child when he visited. Bones would be the best stepfather ever and, when they eventually added to their family, a great dad too. He and Jim would have a family together. What would it be like to come home to Jim after work, cuddle with him all night, and wake together in the morning? They’d be able to go out in public together, go on dates, hold hands, be a couple, their relationship acknowledged to the world. He’d finally be Jim’s chosen partner instead of his dirty, shameful secret. 

“McCoy, you got a comm call up here.” Victoria snapped from the front desk of the medbay. “Something wrong with your personal comm.”

“Nope. Just in my locker.” He smiled at her, interrupted mid-whistle in his favorite cheerful song. 

She narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion. “Someone seems awful happy. Your little space jaunt do you good, McCoy?”

“You could say that, Miz Victoria. And may I say you look especially fetching in those polka dotted scrubs today?”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone got into the stash of Romulan ale on the sixth floor. You gonna take this call or what?”

He took the comm unit from her and strode into an empty treatment room to take it. “McCoy here.”

“Leonard.” Nyota’s voice could have frozen a polar bear in his tracks. She glared at him before continuing, “Carol delivered a healthy baby boy this morning, Jim at her side. Seven pounds, four ounces, 21 inches tall.”

“He’ll be tall like his daddy then.” Bones commented. 

“You sound awful happy about this.”

“He’s my best friend. Of course I’m happy for him.” 

“Leonard…” Nyota snapped, flipping her ponytail over her shoulder. “You have to end this. You must see…”

“Actually, I think Jim’s taking care of that on his end.” He grinned at her, his joy infectious. The baby’s arrival got them one step closer to their goal. Just a few more months until Carol recovered enough to care for the child on her own and…

She raised an eyebrow and her shoulders shifted as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Jim’s leaving Carol?”

“Just a few more months, Ny.” 

“I don’t think that’ll be as easy as you think. You’ll be blamed…” Nyota shook her head, pity in her large brown eyes.

“As long as I get Jim, I don’t care. Maybe it’s selfish but…I just don’t care.”

* * *

Hiding among the Enterprise bridge crew, he went to see the Kirk family the day they came home from the hospital. As he followed Uhura up the stone walk, carrying the wrapped present with a blue bow she’d handed him, he realized that he’d never actually been to the house before, a little Craftsman style bungalow, tucked high in the hills above the Academy with pretty flower beds and a wide backyard. 

He couldn’t actually imagine Jim Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise and the saving grace of the Federation, living here, in suburbia. His handsome friend opened the door, purple shadows under his eyes attesting to the fact that he was the sleepless father of a newborn. They filed into the pretty, casual living room, decorated perfectly to be warm and inviting and looking nothing like Jim. Ornate flower arrangements tucked into blue ceramic teddy bears, firetrucks, and spaceships, including one like the Enterprise, festooned every surface in the blue and cream living room. Nothing was out of place. Bones thought back to their perpetual disaster zone of a dorm room at the Academy with a small, inward smile. 

Bones sat next to Uhura on the sofa as Carol rested on a chair across from them. He eyed Carol. She looked well for a woman just two days out of labor. He smiled, delighted to think that Jim would leave Carol for him. Though he liked Carol, he wanted Jim. He couldn’t wait until they could start their lives together. In just a few moments, Jim returned to the rooms carrying the sleeping baby, swaddled tightly in a receiving blanket printed with stars. 

“Meet David Leonard Kirk.” Jim placed the bundle of blankets in Bones’ arms. “You’ll be his godfather, won’t you, Bones?”

Bones nodded, staring down at the baby, a warm, comforting weight in his arms and against his chest. He inhaled the gorgeous scent of new baby. Jim knelt next to the sofa, taking Bones’ hand beneath the blankets and giving him a subtle squeeze. The bridge crew crowded around, cooing and smiling at the baby. Bones couldn’t take his eyes off the child. _Jim’s son…_

The hell of it was that the baby looked like Jim. Waking up a bit, David blinked up at him and Bones smiled down at him. He stroked a finger over the baby’s fist and David clasped and hung on tightly with a strong sure grip. Though Bones knew all babies had blue eyes, David already had the brilliant Kirk blue eyes and Jim’s generous mouth. If things had just gone differently, if they’d acted on their feelings long ago, this might be Bones’ child too—his and Jim’s baby. He’d wanted this family picture with Jim. He’d just never let himself realize it before. A baby didn’t really fit into their space cowboy lifestyles and… 

And he glanced back up to Jim’s impossibly blue eyes and finally admitted to himself that it was just too late for them. David deserved better than that. He looked over his lover’s shoulder at a tired, but beaming, Carol. To Bones, the baby had always been abstract and theoretical. He’d known Carol was pregnant and would not stay pregnant forever, even seeing the ultrasound pictures and treating her during her early labor scare, but…he really hadn’t imagined what it would be like to see Jim as a family man, in this cozy little picture of domestic bliss. 

And him the outsider.

With a deep breath, Bones knew what he had to do. He had to do what Jim wouldn’t. No matter how much it hurt.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saying goodbye...

After David’s arrival, Jim took several weeks of leave so Bones managed to arrange his transfer as a fait accompli. He couldn’t see Jim and keep his resolve. He turned over medbay to M’Benga and checked out with Spock. Neither asked any probing questions. He’d asked for a posting at the end of the known universe, leading a doctors without borders mission on a tiny, uncivilized planet with no known medical care. 

The morning of his transport flight, the first of many that would carry him away from Jim, from the Enterprise, from his family, forever, Bones rose at dawn and packed. He’d miss his tiny quarters, their love nest. He folded the colorful double wedding ring quilt that his grandmother gave him when he’d married, and tried not to remember how the patterns set off Jim’s blue eyes. He packed Jim’s favorite peppermint tea, along with his coffee cup, in his duffle, even though Bones loathed peppermint. He tucked Jim’s toothbrush in his kit. 

When he was done, a depressingly short time later, he sat on the edge of the unmade bed, playing with his pinky ring, wondering what his father would say to him about this impossible situation. Bones—he really had to stop thinking of himself that way now—He wasn’t Bones anymore. He was Leo again, the way he’d been when he’d boarded the shuttle in Riverside. He closed his eyes, pushing thoughts of Jim away and stood to leave.

The door swished open, revealing Jim, a thunderous expression on his face, before he charged into the room. He glanced around at the empty barracks and turned back to Bones, his hands on his hips, his jaw set. Part of Bones viewed the whole scene from a distance, trying to keep his emotions in check. He’d never actually seen Jim that angry before, not with Nero, not with Khan…

“Leaving without saying goodbye?” 

“Didn’t want a big fuss, kid.”

“Don’t call me kid.” Bones shrugged and then steeled himself. The next few moments were likely to be the hardest conversation of his life. David’s tiny face flashed through his mind, strengthening his resolve. He had to do this, to give his godchild a father, the same godchild, who, in another life, might have been his own son. “Well, care to explain yourself?”

“I’m leaving the Enterprise, Captain Kirk.” 

“You’d leave me, just like that? After everything?”

“I already destroyed one marriage, Jim. I’m not going to destroy yours too.”

“I’ll leave her, Bones. We talked about this. When the baby is a few months old…I can’t leave her now.” Carol wasn’t even recovered from the birth yet. Jim couldn’t leave her now, with a newborn to care for. They’d agreed on that, on the Enterprise, when Bones still had hope of a future, before he held Jim’s newborn son in his arms. Now he knew, Jim would never be free, never be his.

“David deserves a father.” 

“That’s not your call.”

“What did you think? That we’d get a happy ending, that we’d ride off into the sunset or sail off at warp, together? Ain’t gonna happen, kiddo.”

“Bones, we agreed…”

“No, you decided and I went along with it. But..I don’t want forever with you.” Bones turned to grab his bag, praying he could be convincing enough. He’d never been a good actor, not being good at pretense, and Jim had always seen through him like glass. He could only hope that their long friendship had gone both ways, that maybe he’d picked up some skills from Jim, enough to get him through the next few minutes at least. He hefted the duffle and turned back, with an insouciant shrug. “It was just getting too intense for me, Jim. I mean, I thought we were just having fun, you know?”

“You’re lying.” Jim stammered. “I love you. I know you love me.”

“I never said that.” Bones never _had_ said it. He’d wanted to wait until Jim was free. And now, he was suddenly, fiercely grateful that he’d kept something of himself back. “You’re a good friend, Jim. And yeah, we’re hot in bed together but I don’t see us as anything more serious than that.”

“Bullshit, Bones. You want me to leave her.” Hating himself, Bones watched the emotions flicker over Jim’s handsome face, confusion, anger, despair, hurt, longing… 

“Makes no difference to me what you do.”

“Bones, stop it. I can tell when you’re lying.” At the shattered expression on Jim’s face, he wavered and nearly caved, aching to sweep Jim into his arms, hold him close, make love to him again… Feeling hollow, he pressed forward, knowing it was for the best. _Cruel to be kind, Leo._

“Not lying, Jim. Just not interested in a more than what we’ve already had. I mean, it was getting boring anyway, wasn’t it? I gotta go. Flight to catch.” Here he stepped up and slapped Jim’s shoulder, as he’d done to Bones thousands of times in their friendship. “See ya around, Jimmy.”

Bones headed for the door, praying he could hold the tears back until he got out of the room. And, without looking back, he walked out, leaving all the best parts of himself behind.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now, the unhappy ending...

After walking for hours, unable to believe that Bones had actually left him, left the Enterprise, left the family they’d cobbled together from Starfleet’s misfit geniuses, Jim came home to the new family he’d created for himself. He let himself into the quiet house, knowing David was due for a bottle soon. He walked into the baby’s room, standing and staring down at the sleeping infant. His son, only a few weeks old, was so beautiful, so tiny, so precious. He’d never expected to love this child so much. 

But at what cost? 

After all the losses in the battle of Vulcan, with Nero, with Khan…his parents, ripped apart after only a few happy years together. He’d nearly died with Khan. Had it not been for Bones, he wouldn’t even be here. 

Why hadn’t he made a move on Bones earlier? He could have saved them all this fate. If he had acted earlier, though, he wouldn’t have his son. Despite all of it, all the pain and the heartache, David had been worth it. To his very great surprise, he wanted to be a good father to him. He’d never known his own father and been determined to spare his son the same fate. 

“I guess I finally believe in no-win scenarios, Davey-boy.” Jim whispered to the baby. David stirred, his tiny mouth—a miniature of Jim’s—opening in a yawn, looking for his bottle. Carol padded into the room behind him. Jim picked up the baby and moved to the rocking chair, taking the warmed bottle from his wife. He rocked his sleeping son, watching the baby suck down his nighttime bottle, as Carol sat across from him.

“Get caught in the rain?” She asked. He hadn’t even realized he was soaked to the skin until that moment. He looked up at her wan face, noting the dark shadows like bruises under her eyes. They were the parents of a newborn, of course they were tired. He’d married a stranger, a beautiful stranger, and they’d made a gorgeous baby together. And he had no idea what to do from here.

“You were right.” He whispered.

“About?”

“There is someone else.” Carol’s shoulders’ dropped and she sighed. “I know this isn’t the right moment to tell you but…”

“I knew you didn’t love me. But, I thought we were a good match though.”

Jim shrugged. He couldn’t argue either point. He’d known even when they decided to get married that he wasn’t in love with her. And he suspected she didn’t actually love him either. But, back then, he’d believed love was just a myth, a convenient lie people told themselves to justify sex or marriage. Then he’d seduced Bones and, over the course of their passionate affair, learned just what being in love meant, far too late. And now he understood about impossible choices because the love he felt for his son superseded everything else. David’s very existence constrained his choices now.

“I knew it all along but I thought, I hoped, we could make compatibility enough.” Jim bowed his head, watching David suck down his bottle. “ I thought that when Spock and Nyota bonded, you’d overcome it eventually. Have you been with Spock this whole time?”

“Spock?” Jim blinked at her, confused. “Not Spock. It’s Bones. I’m in love with Bones.” 

“Leonard?” Her jaw dropped before she demanded, “How long? Since the Academy?”

“No, just…” Suddenly, he realized that it would be kinder to spare her the details. “It’s been a little while. And forever. The day I met him and…I think I waited too long to tell him. He…left me.”

“You look so shattered, Jim.” She sat in the chair across from him, fiddling with her wedding ring. Just days ago, before David’s arrival, he’d imagined telling her that he was leaving her for Bones, expecting a big dramatic reaction from her, shock and betrayal. Instead, she appeared calm, resolved, determined. “I feel like I should say I’m sorry.

“No, Carol, I’m the one that should be apologizing to you. I’m sorry. So very sorry.” He kept rocking David as the silence settled around them. 

“Where do we go from here?” Carol asked. “Do you want a divorce?”

Jim looked down at the sleeping baby. And he thought of Bones walking away from him. He looked back up at Carol, her cool blue eyes. “Do you?”

“I don’t know. I’m willing to try, Jim, for David’s sake.”

“Me too.” 

* * *

 

“Which napkin rings?” Jim asked Carol, three years later, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving as Jim helped a hugely pregnant Carol set the table. “I was thinking, if the baby is another boy, do you want to name him George?” 

“George Leonard?” Carol asked, her head tilted to the side, her eyes narrowed. Jim’d paid for David’s name for years now.

“Maybe George Samuel this time.” Jim said and she smiled at him. He breathed out, relieved to get the answer right, like passing a test. He focused carefully on threading the napkins through the hammered copper rings and pushed thoughts of Bones away. 

Nyota assured him that Bones was doing well. Jim wondered if Bones ever thought of him anymore. Thus far, he’d managed to avoid entering the quadrant of the tiny planet Bones served on, not willing to face the man who hadn’t loved him back. David dashed in, wearing the headdress he’d made in preschool, war-whooping around the table so loudly they almost didn’t hear the doorbell. Jim opened the door to find a coffee-skinned man in an immaculate dress uniform on the steps.

“Rear-Admiral Kirk?” Jim nodded, foreboding curling in his stomach. “Are you James Tiberius Kirk, formerly Captain of the USS Enterprise?” 

“Are you a casualty officer?” Jim answered, his lips numb. He’d have gotten a comm call if it had been anyone from the Academy, anyone on his current staff. He waved the man into the living room, his eyes meeting Carol’s across the room.

The man extended a small silver box, with the Federation emblem embossed on top of it. Everything in Jim recoiled from that box but his training compelled him to accept it. He took the box, the metal cool beneath his hands, and he looked up into the man’s kind brown eyes. 

“Who was it? Someone from the Enterprise?” 

“Admiral Kirk, you’re listed as the next of kin for one Leonard Horatio McCoy. I regret to inform you, sir…” Jim fell to his knees, gasping for air, feeling like his lungs were full of shrapnel. Not Bones. Please.

“Daddy!” David shrieked. 

“Carol, take David out. Please.” Jim gasped, tears running from the corners of his eyes. Jim didn’t want his son to see him like this. She took David’s hand and, seconds later, they exited to the backyard, Carol saying, “Let’s play on the swings, Davey.”

“No, please no, not Bones.” Jim begged him as the man helped him to a chair and sat across from him.

“Doctor McCoy was serving a doctors without borders mission. The natives…there was an uprising. Base camp was destroyed. I am sorry for your loss, sir.” The casualty officer issued all the standard platitudes and, sorrow on his face, left Jim alone with his grief. Jim sat, in his sunny, suburban living room, staring at the box that contained Bones’ personal effects. He rubbed a hand over his face before sucking in a deep breath and flipping the lid open. 

Inside, he found only three things. A white coffee mug, the handle cracked, that read “World’s Best Captain.” His first Christmas present from Bones. Tears slipped down his cheeks freely now. He didn’t even bother to wipe them away. He slid the pinky ring Bones had always worn onto his right hand. It fit on his ring finger, a match for the gold wedding band on his left hand. And, at the bottom, neatly folded, a scrap of a hand sewn quilt, the bright blues faded now. He snatched it up and pressed it to his face, inhaling, trying to catch the scent of Bones. 

A tiny glowing memo cube was built into the side of the box. Jim wasn’t sure he had the courage to play it. He remembered the moment they met, little flashes of their lives together, and how selfish he’d been at the end, trying to have it all. After a few seconds, he pressed play and a holograph of Bones swam into view. Jim noticed the touch of grey at his temples, how tan he looked. He glanced at the recording date—a mere two weeks before. 

_Jim, if you’ve got this, the worst has already happened._  
 _The natives here are not very receptive to our medical care. And you’re not here to get us out of it._  
 _I feel like I’m on the dark side of the moon. Sometimes, I wonder if the Federation makes any difference at all._  
 _I saw the latest press photos. Your family is lovely, Jim. David looks just like you._  
 _And I hope you’re happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you._  
 _I’m sorry things ended between us like they did._

Bones bit his lip and glanced away. He looked back into the camera and drew a deep breath, as though debating with himself about saying more. Watching him, Jim sucked in a deep breath, knowing that whatever Bones would say next would hurt. 

_I’m sorry I lied to you._  
 _You were the great love of my life, James Tiberius Kirk._  
 _I hope you know that I always loved you, darlin._  
 _Goodbye, Jim._

Jim dropped his head into his hands. He wanted to howl with grief, rip the universe asunder, weep and rage and storm. None of it mattered. None of it would bring him back. Instead, he sat frozen, immobile, trying to comprehend the enormity of his loss. 

Bones was gone. He’d never come back to him, in some distant, hazy, hoped for future, after Jim climbed the ranks and raised his children. He would never feel his touch, kiss him, hold him again. Bones was gone. 

And with him, all hope that Jim had ever had for a happy future, filled with more than duty and obligation. Bones had left him here, alone, on the dark side of the moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading my dark little tale. I wanted so much to give them a happy ending but it just didn't work here. 
> 
> Many thanks to both WeWillSpockYou and GoWashtheLights for their constant love and support both as I wrote this tale and as I posted it. It's been a difficult ride and I'm so grateful I have such wonderful writing sisters to lean on as the going got rough and then rougher again. 
> 
> Special thanks to WeWillSpockYou for helping me brainstorm the items Bones leaves Jim. 
> 
> And now for some happier stories!
> 
> I'm currently posting _Something to Talk About_ which is a post Narada story featuring our boys having to fake a relationship for Starfleet PR. You may want to check that story out too. It updates on Thursdays.
> 
> I have the following stories to start posting soon:
> 
> _Never Have I Ever_ is an Academy Era drinking game story featuring a boy!virgin Bones.
> 
> And _Forget Me Not_ is a post STID story featuring an amnesiac Bones.
> 
> Please feel free to visit me at my Tumblr at:
> 
> http://corrie71.tumblr.com
> 
> or at my personal website at :
> 
> http://courtney-hunt.com
> 
> Thank you so much for all your kudos, comments, and feedback. I love hearing from my readers.


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